Sexual partners

Telling a sexual partner can be particularly stressful as you or the person you tell may be concerned about the risks of HIV being passed on. Many people with HIV have faced rejection from sexual partners because of this, and so don’t find disclosing their status easy.

Your sexual partners might have unrealistic expectations about sex and HIV. They may imagine that all people with HIV will disclose their status. They may not be confident about the safety of condoms and lubricant, despite the scientific facts.

There are a number of issues that you need to think about, including:

• the law
• telling a new partner
• telling your current partner
• telling previous sexual partners.

The law

There is a legal side to disclosing your HIV status to a sexual partner. Since 2003, a small number of people with HIV have gone to jail for transmitting HIV when they hadn’t talked about their status and had then had sex without a condom. When we wrote this the law was still unclear, but it seems that a prosecution is only likely if all of these are true:

• your sexual partner doesn’t know you have HIV
• you don’t tell them
• you don’t use a condom for all penetrative sex
• your partner becomes infected during sex
• your partner complains to the police.

So it appears that if you don’t tell partners you have HIV but always use condoms for penetrative sex, you are unlikely to be prosecuted.

Also, it’s very unlikely that you would be prosecuted just because you didn’t disclose your status; transmission of HIV needs to take place.

However, while we try to keep the information on our website up to date, this situation could change and you are strongly recommended to get advice about how things stand now. You can find more detailed information on the prosecutions pages of our website or you can phone THT Direct on 0845 12 21 200.

Telling a new partner

As with telling any other person, it’s worth thinking about why you want to tell a sexual partner. The reasons you have for telling (or not telling) someone may depend on the kind of relationship you want to have. Will you see this person just once, or are you hoping for a longer-term relationship?

It may also depend on the kind of sex you want to have. If the risk of passing on HIV will be very low, many people see no reason to tell someone. But others tell partners so that it’s easier to make informed decisions together about sex. And some people tell because of recent changes in the law.

Despite the law, many people with HIV feel that they don’t need to tell all their partners. They think that each HIV negative person should be taking responsibility for their own health.

Timing

With sexual partners, timing can be important. It can be difficult to talk about HIV when you have only just met someone, but putting it off may cause problems later. If your partner does find out later on but can’t accept it, it may be more upsetting for both of you. 

If you’ve just met someone, you might not feel that you know enough about them to anticipate their reaction, or to judge whether they’ll respect your privacy. You might be in a bar, a party or another place where it feels out of place to talk about HIV. Some people go to a more neutral environment, arrange to meet up later or decide to talk about HIV once they’ve got to know the person better. Other people drop HIV into the conversation very early on, in a very casual and matter-of-fact way, so that if the other person can’t accept it, no time is lost.

Some people drop hints about HIV or try to guess the status of their partner. But these judgements are not always accurate.

Telling your current partner

If you’ve just been diagnosed with HIV and you are already in a relationship, there will be the question of telling (or not telling) your partner. The news could introduce new concerns and pressures into your relationship. Your partner may be worried about their own health, and may want to have an HIV test or think again about the sex you have.   

Some people face particularly difficult situations. You may live with your partner and be worried about losing your home. Or you may be afraid of domestic problems or violence.

If you want some help or support as you think these issues through, contact your clinic, a local support group or THT Direct (0845 12 21 200).

Telling previous sexual partners

Whether you tell previous sexual partners can depend on a number of factors, such as what your relationship was like, the kind of sex you had, whether you think they would want to know and whether you want them to know.

Telling past sexual contacts yourself can be difficult. You might believe that you picked up HIV from this person, but they may think that you put their health at risk. It’s not always clear who is right or wrong.

You can ask staff at your HIV clinic to contact your ex-partners and sexual contacts for you. They’ll do this without giving any of your details away.