Things to consider

If you've just been told that you have HIV, then you may be feeling upset or confused and may want to share that with other people. But remember that, although you will still be able to tell people later on, once you have given someone the news, they will always know: you can never ‘un-tell’ someone.

It’s probably not a good idea to rush around telling people before you’ve got used to the news yourself. Most people find making decisions easier when they’ve had the time to think things through and consider their options.

You don’t have to tell everyone, and certainly not everyone at once. Indeed, you don’t have to tell anyone at all if you don’t want to.

But you do need to think about whether you told anyone that you were going to have an HIV test. If you did, it’s worth thinking about how you’ll answer their questions.

Before you tell someone

Here are four questions that you should ask yourself before you tell anyone about your HIV status:

• Why do you want to tell them?
• How will they react?
• Can they keep it to themselves?
• How will you tell them? 

Why do you want to tell them?

It’s easier to be sure that telling someone is a good idea if you have a clear idea about what you could achieve by telling them. What benefits are you hoping for? You might think that if they knew, they could give you some help or support. Are these expectations realistic?

There may be some people you are very close to who you feel should know. But consider the next two questions, and then check that it still seems a good idea.

How will they react?

Try thinking about how this person will feel on hearing the news. Imagine the best way they could react – and the worst.

You might find yourself needing to reassure someone who is upset. You could be asked how you got HIV, and the news could tap into someone’s prejudices about sexuality, morality or illness. You might find it useful to have at hand some factual leaflets about how HIV is transmitted to give them some reassurance.

Or you may want to tell this person because you are confident that they will be calm, supportive and trustworthy.

Can they keep it to themselves?

When you tell people, it may be worth telling them clearly who they can and cannot talk to about your HIV status.

Is this a trustworthy person who understands the importance of confidentiality? Although you can ask someone not to tell others, once you’ve told them, you won’t have much control over what they actually do with the information.

People you are close to might find the news worrying or upsetting. They may want to get support for themselves. But if they’re not allowed to talk about it with anyone at all, this will be hard for them.

How will you tell them?

You might want to think about how you’ll bring the subject up, as well as the best moment to do so. Choose a time and a place where you’ll be as comfortable as possible.