Losing someone

When people are diagnosed with HIV, one of the first things they think about is their life expectancy. You may have assumed that because HIV is not curable, your life expectancy will be reduced. This can be upsetting and make you feel frightened but the good news is that these days people living with HIV can live a more or less normal lifespan.

Early diagnosis of HIV and starting treatments on time are key factors in the increased life expectancy of people living with HIV. But even if you have been diagnosed late and have a low CD4 count, there are steps you can take to improve your immune system, such as eating well and getting enough exercise, relaxation and sleep.

Attending your appointments and taking your treatments correctly without missing doses are also important ways to keep your HIV suppressed and allow your immune system to begin to recover.

Modern antiretroviral treatments are very potent but usually have fewer side effects which makes it easier to keep your HIV under control. Adhering to your treatments is one of the best ways to suppress the virus. If you are having trouble with adherence or want to talk about ways to make your lifestyle healthier, why not talk to one of our Health Trainers – they can help you look at ways to improve your overall health and live well with HIV.

Death can affect anyone, whether HIV is involved or not. If you have lost someone, whether or not it was because of HIV, it may be useful to get some support.

Grieving can be a very long, slow process which can take a year or two. If an HIV-related illness was the cause of death, this can be an obstacle to talking openly.

Different stages

Everyone will experience grief differently but it often involves the following stages:

• Denial and disbelief – often with a feeling of numbness.
• Anger – possibly coupled with feelings of regret and guilt.
• Intense sadness – maybe with mood swings, feeling hopeless or becoming withdrawn.
• Acceptance – over time your feelings of sadness reduce and it will become possible to let go of your loved one and move on with your life.

Some advice

Points to bear in mind about grieving:

• Expecting to be ‘over it’ by a certain date isn’t wise – it will take as long as it needs to.
• New responsibilities or making major life decisions are best avoided while you are grieving.
• It’s normal not to function as efficiently as usual.
• Be wary of using alcohol or drugs to avoid dealing with your grief.
• Grieving is not about forgetting someone but learning to remember them with a sense of peace, not pain.
• Remind yourself that however long your grief lasts, it is temporary - sooner or later you will be able to enjoy life again.

Things that can help

Tips on what to do when you are grieving:

• Talk about your loss to friends, family, a counsellor, or to a religious leader.
• Accept help if it is offered and tell people what you need from them.
• Plan ahead for painful times such as anniversaries.
• Plan good times that you allow yourself to enjoy without feeling guilty.
• Look after yourself – get the food and sleep your body needs. Exercise is a good outlet for anger.

Cruse Bereavement Care is an organisation that helps people who have lost someone close to them.