April 2011

A day when you are walking around in touch with reality, then something happens, and it is like you have gone off grid, suddenly you are an extra in a Matrix movie, you suddenly feel like you are walking through treacle or that everyone is moving around you with a purpose and pace you cannot comprehend.

The couple of months leading up to my day were stressful to say the least, I had moved house, changed jobs and attended the funeral of my best friend who had committed suicide. To say I wasn’t in a particularly clear-headed state of mind at that time would certainly be an understatement.

It was Wednesday, August 1st 2007. I had a day off and was wandering aimlessly around Central London. I don’t remember what I had been doing; I just remember that I was killing time until I was to meet a close friend for drinks when she finished work.

It was around 5:45pm and I was at a loss of something to do until 7pm, sat in Soho with a book I wasn’t enjoying reading and a little wired on caffeine, when I remembered that there was a HIV testing drop in on that evening at Soho Square. It had been about nine months since my last test, and although I wasn’t concerned or worried, I just decided to go have a check up.

So along I walked and signed in, took a seat and waited about 15 mins until I was called through. The nurse was a chatty guy called Chris - a real sweetheart. We talked briefly about what I would do if tested positive and he did the pinprick test.

Chris told me it would take about 15-20 mins to get the results and I could wait outside or go get a drink and come back. I choose to wait outside, went back to reading the rubbish book and waited.

They were having a busy night and seemed to be understaffed so I didn’t give it much thought when it took a little longer, but was eventually called back in after about 35 minutes. I had not even sat down when Chris explained to me that it had come back positive. The words didn’t even register at first; I had to ask him to repeat himself. When it finally made a connection I sat down with an audible exhalation of breath and asked him “what do we do now?”

Its funny looking back, having always been very diligent with testing I had come to treat it no more seriously than sending the car for an MOT. There had actually been times in the past when I felt like I had got away with murder, as I had been careless at times, yet always tested negative. But this particular night I was only expecting the same result as usual and was not prepared for anything else.

Chris went on to explain that there was a two percent chance of a false positive so he would have to take more bloods, and the results wouldn’t be back for 24 hours. Then he said something to me that I wasn’t sure made me want to cry, laugh or slap him across the room:

'If it is positive, at least you wont have to go through this anymore.'

So he took more blood, what seemed like a rather large amount at the time, but was nothing compared to what they take these days. And off I wandered into a totally new reality.

Suddenly there was a shadow hovering over my shoulder. I had to make it through the next 24 hours until the results of the full screen came back.

I was holding onto that two percent with everything I had. Now the thing is, with a two percent chance of the result being wrong is that the flip side is, it has a 98 percent pass rate. But that night I couldn’t see that, all I could see was glimmer of hope that it was wrong.

The rest of the world suddenly shifted to the other side of a transparent screen, I could see everything going on through it but I had no way of breaking through it to participate in NORMAL life.

I cancelled my meeting with the friend I was due to meet, claiming some malady other than what was actually the case. The one person I wanted to ring, I had attended their funeral off four weeks before. I now realise I was in a classic case of shock. I called another old friend I had drifted apart from who is also positive and told him what had just happened. His response was, ‘You’ll be fine, I’m in my 22ng year now.’ I have never felt more alone in my life.

I walked around for hours and eventually made it home. Collapsing into bed exhausted and with a huge headache. To awaken after a few short hours. With a need to make the day feel as normal as possible. I went to the gym as usual and turned up to work with a smile pasted on my face. And did my best to get through the day. Waiting for the phone call that would dictate my future.

Now, inevitably, I missed the call, and when I retrieved the voicemail it was Chris asking me to call as soon as I got the message. I knew right then how badly the odds had been stacked and how the little hope I had, had just vanished. Had the results come back as a false positive he would have said so in the message.

Suddenly this NEW REALITY was all too real. I got straight on the phone to the friend I was supposed to see the previous night. Leaving her a message and saying that I was sorry but I needed her to cancel whatever she had planned that evening, as I need to see her. She text me back within minutes saying she would come get me from work.

Some sixth sense told her I wasn’t messing about. And when we met she knew as soon as she looked at me! She held my hand as I told her the news, feeling oddly relieved that I wasn’t completely alone in this.

Strangely the my main worry at that time was all about dating, I had been single for two years and was feeling ready to face that world again. But the enormity of what I had in front of me suddenly hit. I had so much to get used to. And the headache of whom you tell and when was something I knew was going to be a long way off.

Disclosure became my biggest worry oddly enough. I wanted to keep it from those closest to me in case it changed things, yet I came close to blurting it out to complete strangers, it was as if I felt the need to try the words out. Just to see how they sounded coming out of my mouth.

The shock wears off of course. But HIV in the early days is an almost visible thing, its almost like Long John Silvers parrot. Sitting on your shoulder making a mess on your best attempts to look civilised and butting into every conversation uninvited.

However, slowly my world once again started to spin on the same axis as everyone else’s, and the misty veil between yours and my reality became much easier to traverse. However the next six months were going to be a huge learning curve. But that’s another posting…

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