November 2011

Now I am not talking about Thatcher/Reagan, Blair/Bush and certainly not any special relationship that our current Prime Minister David Cameron thinks he might have with a certain world leader called Barack Obama. But my personal developing special relationship.

It’s 6.30am on a cold crisp morning and London has never looked more beautiful to me. And I have just taken my 246th dose of combination therapy, that’s 1230 pills since I embarked on my treatment.

Just this week I have been thinking about the drugs I take. Five pills per day:

2 x 400mg tablets of Darunavir
2 x 400mg tablets of Raltegravir
1 x 100mg tablet of Ritonavir

Since I call my personal blog www.halfalifetime.com I had been thinking about personal landmarks in my life but also got to thinking about stuff I still have to do. You see if I truly have got the same amount of time left as I have lived to date, and if I were to fit as much into the next half as the first then DAMN I am going to be busy.

But as mentioned I thought about pills. Just assuming I stay on the same therapy for the remainder of my days and the numbers stay the same then I have got another 76,600 anti-retrovirals to swallow over the next 43 years (I have added in the extra days for leap years).

So far I have cringed swallowing every single pill. I dislike the fact that I am bound to them and they me and I detest the fact that it is the one relationship I can never end. I feel like throwing my phone across the room every day when that alarm goes off reminding me it is time to take those five pills. We are in this together and we are in it for life. It almost makes me think that there should be vows recited when you first commune as this one is for keeps. This relationship will endure longer than a lot of friendships, and should I meet the man of my dreams TODAY, and we spend the rest of our days together, this special relationship will always have been longer and more intimate than any I have had or any I enter into.

However, I have to say I love the fact that I am more healthy now than I have been in years. I love the fact that I have a possible 43 or more years left to me and I love the fact since starting on combination therapy (which initially ran in tandem with Psycho Dynamic Therapy) I have managed to regain control of my life and met more new people and made new friends in the last ten months than I had in the previous ten years.

I love the fact that by embracing my status as a part of me, and that by no longer denying its affect on me that I can be positive about being positive.

I am under no illusions that it will always be a relationship in such harmony as it feels today. There will be days it makes me physically sick, there will be days I cannot leave the house due to having to stay close to the toilet, there will be times it interferes with my social life, and there will be times I weigh up the pros and cons of where to go and what to do and whether I should bring a little box with me ‘just in case’. I am proud of the fact that since beginning my regime that I have been a voice in the world about something important, I cherish the conversations I have had with people who talk to me frequently about how HIV has impacted their lives. Some of these people have been friends that I had no idea where positive and had no idea about the struggles they where having.

In many ways combination therapy has taught me a lot. Maybe in the future I will not be quite as selfish and controlling in relationships as I have been in the past. Maybe just maybe, those five little pills at the same time everyday have taught me about the value of life and being able to relate to others.

Its November 1st, its now grey and raining and we are now on the countdown to the time of year I am really not inspired by, cold, dark, wet mornings seem to stretch ahead into infinity. Christmas and birthday loom just a few rapidly passing weeks ahead. But maybe this year I will get into the spirit of things, maybe this year I have something to celebrate…

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