August 2011

The summer has just dissapeared again. When I reflect, which we all must do from time to time, the years appear to evaporate but my life has been and still is so very rich and sweet.

It is now September and whilst sitting on the beach today with the dogs swimming in the sea it occurred to me that David, my beloved partner of 12 years, has been dead for almost as long as we were lovers which will be 12 years on October 19th. So what?

The 12 years since his death have changed my view of the world in so many ways.

Perhaps it is my way of life and, of course, my partner now of almost eight years, Tony, in conjunction with my mindful lifestyle that make the difference to how I think and feel. Or is it my mature years? Getting older is a bind but has some benefits.

What are the benefits, you are wondering. Well, I feel very much at peace with myself and very aware of my mortality which is like having a weight lifted from my shoulders, no longer worrying about dying or the process.

Of course being fit and well because of the medication and lifestyle makes it easier.

My life now is far busier with a sense of purpose than for many years mainly due to my involvement with THT and my community project which, in partnership with my peers, is looking to provide a peer led community group of people supporting men aged over 45 living with HIV yet feeling disengaged from the gay community.

Can that be possible in Brighton and Hove? Well indeed it can. The existing community service providers meet with many men living in isolation with low self esteem and, importantly, feeling ignored by the very community they helped to develop.

Many like me have lost partners and friends, had flourishing careers and busy lives. Virtually none of my age group living long-term with HIV ever expected to live into older age and by that I mean 45 and over.

So, where does that leave us now? Gay men over the age of 50 will make up 50 percent of the HIV population within a few years - a stunning statistic.

So what about the future? Most people living with HIV can expect to live long lives now so will need to adapt to what is new within the world in terms of work, socialising, support needs, and sex.

Organisations such as THT do a fantastic job dealing with health matters and education but it is up to the community to identify active peers who can run projects like the new community project in Brighton and Hove called Peer Action.

As one of the founding members of Peer Action, we look for peers to inspire others to take a look at their lives, wellbeing and connect to ways of improving their expectations. So far it has been a success, although like most ideas only a smaller number of men take ownership of the groups and support networks.

We look to work collaboratively with other organisations with partnerships including THT, Sussex Beacon, Lunch Positive, and Outdoor Positive, all with strong presence within Brighton and Hove.

Many of us have vivid memories of how the past was for the gay scene and I can look back without regrets except for my HIV which I guess many long term survivors may feel also. Having said all of that, I’m proud to be involved with a variety of voluntary groups without allowing my extreme disability to get too much in the way. In fact, being blind with a handsome guide dog gets much attention whilst deflecting too much away from me and my aged tanned face!

Those who know me are very well aware of my open and honest attitude to life and utter respect for my peers - another valued part of being older and wiser perhaps.

On a very different note, the Sussex Downs continue to be a wonderful atmospheric place to live. The garden here is a vision in white and highly scented for my benefit with high production value. Tony has made a magical space here which is a fantastic example of biodiversity and we eat well from the proceeds.

What is bad about my life you may ask? It all sounds very Pollyanna-ish, however I would change a thousand things given the chance mainly for those who have gone before me but also for the next generation who will struggle with a world with reduced resources. So many of the traditional ways of survival have been lost which is so sad, although I accept that technology is a wonderful thing including medical advances which I, like many, have benefitted from. These are the things that vex me but entirely out of my reach in terms of making a difference.

When my partner died 12 years ago I did not understand how the world kept on turning - why everyone was getting on with their lives and mine was shattered. I felt I wanted everyone to share my grief but I have learned, and of course knew, that was nonsense which leads me back to being at peace and aware of mortality.

It is vital we share our experiences with as many people as possible and not lock ourselves away just because we may have survival guilt because of our HIV and older age.

On that very dramatic note I am going to sign off for this month. The chimney has been swept by Tony so my next diary may well be written in front of a roaring log fire, we shall have to wait and see.

Be well,

Richard

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