July 2011

We sometimes believe we have seen and done most things in life having experienced - if we have been lucky - love, laughter and deep friendships.

As an older gay man living long-term with HIV and all it’s wonderful quirks effecting our knees, hips, digestive system, to name but a few, sometimes an event happens to knock us off balance.

At the end of June a great and dear friend of mine aged only 46 died in the arms of his partner at home quite unexpectedly. His name was Maurice Hibbert who was well known within the HIV support community. He was one of those very rare people who cared deeply about how we as a community support each other whilst drawing to the attention of the general public the stigma surrounding HIV. Maurice was a man of so many qualities, very wise in the real sense with an understanding and ability to communicate with anyone he came into contact with. His last letter to me talked about accepting our mortality and his feeling of peace with himself. He had found love with his partner which was everything to him.

So, this last month has not been what I had expected for a summer month or was it...? In many ways from all the sadness some great things can develop. One of the many dreams of mine, which I had shared with Maurice, was that the gay community would learn to accept and support the men who did not expect to live long-term with HIV and now potentially face older age feeling isolated, lonely, anxious with little or no support from their peers or service providers.

We are now entering a new phase of HIV longevity which will effect many more men and women in the coming years. The consequences of this are unknown as yet but some of the underlying issues are starting to show. We live in a community which has, to an extent, always been ageist but now there is a different dynamic as HIV is not a death sentence any more. Organisations like THT provide a magnificent professional service in sexual health matters for all ages from the young to the old but sadly cannot be all things to all people. We do have to look from within our community for support which needs, in my mind, to be peer led through a support network looking at every need identified by those getting older or who do not feel they fit in with their community.

Why do we need anything different fron other older people you may ask? Well just take a look around -- it’s plain to see if we open our eyes. Many older men lose their confidence and living with HIV often fosters feelings of guilt and being self-conscious. For many, partners and friends have passed away leaving behind men who feel isolated and reluctant to look to the community with these issues, perhaps because they fear rejection or confirmation of who and what they are.

It is my dream to bring all these people together as a peer led community project to identify and look at ways of supporting within a social community group offering specialist services to some, signposting others to organisations, but mainly setting up a strong network of peers to be self supporting.

We are looking at ways of understanding ourselves more through relaxation which may be via something like yoga,massage, social groups, etc. sharing our coping strategies with an outcome hopefuly of less visits to doctors and more self reliance within a strong community with a voice.

The first of these groups is underway on a pilot project in Brighton with some limited funding and so far well attended with some very strong voices and ideas to take the project forward. It is inspiring to meet all of these men and I sincerely hope it is a long term success.

Conversly, it has been a very social month for myself and my partner with a host of fun events and of course the big one coming up which is Brighton Pride with THT championing HIV services within the city of Brighton and Hove.

One other matter of interest, readers, is aching bones. Do any of you suffer silently with this problem?

Well I do and questioned every little thing about my lifestyle past and present; was it too much dancing? Drugs? Is it HIV effecting our very existence? What do the meds do to us apart from keeping us alive and well?

You surely know that there are many research studies right now looking at all these questions. For example, some cancers are more likely to effect people on meds long-term than perhaps others. Premature ageing of the skeleton is recognised as a fact. A good healthy lifestyle will help with balanced diet, excercise of body and mind, and plenty of vitamin D which is found in being in the sunshine. However, it is vital to keep the vitamin D at above average levels and may I suggest you talk to your clinic doctor about this -- it is very important. I say this because I’m looking at potential hip surgery very early in the scheme of things which is due to some issues with my skeleton which is manifesting within men who have been taking meds for over 15 years. There is no history in my family of dodgy hips or knees but for me it is troublesome and, dare I say, something that some of us may feel uncomfortable about sharing with some younger people for a host of reasons which takes me full circle back to the needs of older gay men over the age of 45.

On a much lighter note, the garden here is magical with wonderful scents and continues to be so very productive with veg and fruit along with herbs and spices.

Today we are getting some good summer sunshine again so I just got in from topping up my vitamin D but now flying ants are swarming so it's time to write my diary.

Until next month all which will be post Pride and no doubt be filled with more twists and turns.

Be well.

Richard

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