December 2011

Disclosure is a loaded word! Many people living with HIV struggle with disclosing their HIV status whether it is to partners, family members or employers! As somebody who has overcome this absolutely terrifying hurdle, I can say that once your HIV status is no longer a secret you are hanging on to, it is such a relief and so liberating you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

But I am by no means making light if this challenge, what I am saying is, the stress of not having disclosed is stress you can do without, if you can overcome the fear. Some of the important questions I think are, at what point do you do the disclosing and what is the best way to disclose?

Unfortunately, like many things, what works for one person might not necessarily work for another. People can only share their experiences and hope that others can pick out what is useful for them and then put together a plan of their own. But then again, we know what they say about the best laid plans!

Some of the worst times of my life were the first six years after I was diagnosed. I was terrified of talking about anything remotely related with HIV to anyone. I became very insular and was terribly stressed. The first time I disclosed my HIV status was to a potential sexual partner and it wasn’t anything I had planned. I met the person at a social event and had been introduced to me by a mutual friend.

During the evening we got talking and both enjoyed each other’s company way more than we both anticipated. He asked if he could go home with me. Once that sentiment was expressed, I started obsessing (in my head) how and when I was going to tell this person I was HIV positive, not even thinking of what his status was. After thinking through a number of scenarios in my head, I thought I would disclose before I was alone with him in my flat.

So in another quiet part of the venue where people were chilling and taking a break from the main activities, I told the guy that before we engaged in anything remotely sexual, I wanted to let him know I was HIV positive and would appreciate if he was just as honest.

He told me that he had never tested and he asked, ‘how did you get such a nasty disease?’ I told him the brief version of my diagnosis and when I finished he told me he had learnt so much about HIV in a short space of time than he had learnt all his life. We went on to date for a few months but what made the relationship fail was different ideologies on life and nothing to do with HIV.

This particular of experience of disclosure liberated me from fear and stress. From then on, I was able to disclose to many more people and eventually to live openly with HIV. But I decided that for potential sex partners I would disclose as early as possible before sex and ask about their HIV status as it then puts the responsibility of the relationship on both of us rather than just me. I appreciate that this might not be the route that other people might take, but it has certainly worked for me.

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