June 2012

Most of them were informative, each one of them felt different from the previous one, mostly dependent on where in the world it was, at what point in the global HIV response and whether my role as a participant was a pro-active or passive one. The one conference that overwhelmed me to a point of dis-engagement was the one held in Bangkok, Thailand in 2004. It wasn’t the content of the conference that put me off, but the journey to Bangkok was exhausting and I felt that the conference was massive in terms of structures and moving from one venue to the next, but additionally, the number of people in attendance felt unusually high! I got to a point where I just switched off because I couldn’t cope.

The reason I am writing about the conference issue is that there is another International AIDS conference coming up next month in Washington DC, and I am getting ready to attend that one too! I have promised myself that this will be my last international HIV conference, but even I am sceptical that I will be able to keep that promise!

I have to confess though that the lure this time is a very personal one! I will be going back to a place where I was first diagnosed with HIV more than 24 years ago. I will need to face a few demons as well as wanting to find out what has changed in terms of treatment and care, stigma and levels of HIV awareness within Black communities. I am feeling both anxious and excited!

I have decided that I am going to be proactive at this particular conference. I have volunteered to chair and speak at some sessions in order to get the most out of the conference as well as making it bearable. I will even be blogging for one mainstream UK national newspaper. I will keep as busy as possible, learn as much as I can to make it a worthwhile and productive event for myself - at least, that is the plan.

But I also recognize that it is a very critical but uncertain time in the HIV response. The theme of the conference this year is 'Turning the tide together', almost the same as saying the beginning of the end of AIDS. Hmmmmm…. I have a feeling I have encountered both these themes before! This year’s International HIV conference will be held against the backdrop of a major global financial crisis, the continued focus on HIV prevention (which to be fair now includes HIV treatment as prevention), the shift in focus to broader health, Non-Communicable Diseases (NCDs) and the race to achieve the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) rather than a single disease, plus a few other issues!

My nightmare scenario would be that so many people turn up for this conference that I develop a combination of agoraphobia and anthropophobia and will not be able to cope. I am also worried that there will be a huge focus on what is going on in the US that we will all forget it is an international conference. But worse still, I may find that there is nothing new about what I hear at the conference because it has all been said before at the previous conferences!

They say that the first step to conquering your fears and or anxieties is to acknowledge them, then you can start addressing them. Writing about them is very therapeutic. I will try as much as possible to face my next HIV conference with an open mind and follow my plan as much as possible to make my trip worthwhile. And then literally pray to be surprised, in a good way of course. As well as, try to resist travelling to Melbourne, Australia for the next international AIDS conference in 2014.