Relationships

Telling family members, especially parents and siblings, can be difficult especially if you are transitioning later on in life. If your loved ones didn’t know about your situation, the news could come as a shock to them, but this doesn’t mean your should feel disheartened. It is normal that they will also go through a transition – of getting to know ‘you’ again and getting to know you as the person you really are.

There may be some ups and downs and your loved ones may struggle to understand things which will seem second nature to you – for example using the correct terminology. You may find that close relatives feel upset by the news – which can seem confusing for you as this is a time for you to feel excited about your new life. Relatives who are just being told may feel upset and worry that they are ‘losing’ the loved-one they know. This might be especially problematic for older relatives who might well come out with comments you don’t appreciate.

Reassuring your loved ones that you are still you will help as will telling them about help and support for them. The more support they have, the better placed they will be to support you.

It may be worth you finding someone to talk to about issues that can come up with family and friends, whether that’s a counsellor, a health professional you trust or other trans women.

Supporting children

If you have children, they may need a lot of support to understand your transition and to accept it. A child, whatever age, could struggle to cope with the ‘loss’ of their dad, although many children are remarkably accepting and understanding.

Resources

The  Gender Indentity Research and Education Society, (Gires) provide support for family, friends, and children of trans women and also facilaiate workshops.

Depend also provide support for family, friends and children of trans people.

If you are going through your transition, your relationships may be affected. If you have a partner or are married, there will be a lot of things to take into consideration. If your partner has always known that you’re trans, it may make the process easier – but your transition is likely to have a major impact on your relationship, especially if children are involved.

If you have been moving towards transitioning for a while, your partner may feel well prepared but there are steps you can take to make things easier. They may find it difficult, or even upsetting, to relate to you as a ‘different’ person, even though they will want you to be happy.

It could be that your transition signals the end of your relationship – you or your partner might feel unable to carry on, especially if your sexual orientation has changed. It may be that your partner is supportive but is not able to remain in a sexual relationship with you.

This can be a confusing time for both of you, even though it marks the start of your new life. It could help to have counselling together or separately so you can see how you can continue your relationship – whether as romantic partners or friends.

On the other hand, you might hope to continue your relationship after you transition. Again, counselling may help both of you to find your way.

Sexual orientation

When you transition, your sexual orientation may change. If you remain in your relationship, it will probably take time for your partner to get used to your ‘new’ relationship. Take time to get to know each other again – counselling may help through this process.

Support for partners

GIRES is a source of good information for partners. It also runs support groups and workshops for the family of trans people.

When you meet a new partner, telling them that you’re trans may make you feel vulnerable, especially if they react badly. Having confidence in yourself and your body is important before embarking on a relationship – especially if your sexual orientation changes after transitioning.

Dating

Dating can be both exciting and scary - it might help to think about when you would disclose to potential partners, if at all. Having a clear idea will take a lot of the stress out of dating and will make things easier when you meet someone special.

Safety tips

When you start dating again, it’s always a good idea to let someone know where you are going and who you’re meeting. Dating as a woman can be a different experience and you may feel vulnerable. It’s good to be aware of safety tips, such as meeting someone new in a busy, public place like a café, and avoiding going home with them straight away.

Some trans women find themselves in abusive relationships or having sex they don’t feel happy with. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to get some help or advice. If you have recently transitioned, you may be particularly vulnerable to being taken advantage of – particularly if you are seeking acceptance.

Warning signs of an abusive relationship:

• You feel afraid of upsetting or angering your partner.
• They are physically violent to you.
• They are jealous of you seeing friends and family.
• They are controlling.
• They humiliate you.
• They force you to have sex when you don’t want to.
• They force you to have a type of sex you don’t want to.

If your partner intimidates you, or if you moderate your own behaviour so that you don’t upset them, you are in an abusive relationship. If your self confidence is already fragile, the effects of an abusive relationship can be devastating and destroy your self-esteem.

Resources

The Helpguide site has a lot more information about the types of behaviour we class as abusive.

Broken Rainbow UK supports lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people experiencing domestic violence. You can contact their helpline on 0300 999 5428 on Mondays 2pm-8pm, Wednesdays 10am-5pm and Thursdays 2pm-8pm.

You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 – this is a freephone number which is open 24 hours per day.

You may find counselling helps you to look at the relationship and find ways for you to address the problems your partner is causing or to leave it.

If you are in immediate danger call 999.