Sexual partners

If you have just been diagnosed with HIV you will be thinking about whether to tell your partner, whether they be long-term or casual.

Things to think about
Long term partners
Casual partners

Things to think about

Your partner may need to have an HIV test and might have to wait until a window period has passed to do so.

You may be in a long term or casual relationship or you might just have sex with someone once. In each of these situations the decisions you make about disclosure will be different.

It is helpful to think about the different reactions partners may have to hearing about your HIV diagnosis. Hopefully your partner will be supportive but it is always possible that they may react badly.

Some people face particularly difficult situations. You may live with your partner and be worried about losing your home, for example, or you may be worried about domestic problems or violence. As you think these issues through, if you feel you need some support you will be able to talk to someone in your clinic, a local support group or THT Direct.

There may also be legal reasons to tell your partner. Recent court cases in England, Wales and Scotland have seen criminal prosecutions of people for giving their sexual partners HIV. See the Law section for full details.

One benefit of telling sexual partners about your HIV status is that if they are exposed to HIV when you have sex (if a condom breaks, for example) they can take treatment that may prevent them becoming HIV positive. Known as Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP), it has to be started within 72 hours of the time the person is exposed to HIV (though within 24 hours is best) and consists of them taking a very strong dose of anti-HIV medicine for a month.

Whether you tell previous partners can depend upon a number of factors such as what your relationship was like and whether the kind of sex you had posed a risk of HIV transmission.

Telling previous sexual partners can be difficult and you can ask staff at your HIV clinic to contact your ex-partners and sexual contacts for you. They can do this without giving any of your details away.

Long term partners

If you have just been diagnosed with HIV and you’re in a relationship, you will be thinking about whether to tell your partner.

Disclosing your HIV status to your long term partner can be very emotional for both of you. Your partner may not react in the way you expect and there may be concern about the risk of HIV being passed on. Your partner might need to have an HIV test and could have to wait until a window period has passed to do so, which can be stressful.

Your partner may be anxious about your health and it can be useful to have some leaflets to hand that you can show them to reassure them. One suggestion is Understanding HIVpublished by Terrence Higgins Trust or The Basics range published by NAM. Once people realise you can lead a normal life with HIV they may be better able to support you.

Another idea is to take you partner to one of your clinic appointments so that they can meet your doctor and ask questions.

One benefit of telling sexual partners about your HIV status is that if they are exposed to HIV when you have sex (if a condom breaks, for example) they can take treatment that may prevent them becoming HIV positive. Known as Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP), it has to be started within 72 hours of the time the person is exposed to HIV (although within 24 hours is best) and consists of them taking a very strong dose of anti-HIV medicine for a month.

Some people face particularly difficult situations. You may live with your partner and be worried about losing your home, or you may be worried about domestic problems or violence. If you need some support as you think these issues through you will be able to talk to someone in your clinic, a local support group or THT Direct.

Casual partners

When thinking about telling a casual sexual partner about your HIV it's worth thinking about why you want to tell them.

The reasons you have for telling (or not telling) may depend upon the kind of relationship you want to have. For example, do you plan to see the person just once or are you hoping for a longer relationship?

It may also depend upon the kind of sex you want to have. If the risk of passing on HIV will be very low, some people see no reason to disclose their HIV status. Others tell partners to make it easier to make informed decisions together about sex, while some people do so because of recent changes in the law which you can read about here.

If you have just met someone, you might not feel that you know enough about them to anticipate their reaction, or to judge whether they will respect your privacy. You might meet the person somewhere like a bar or party, where it feels out of place to talk about HIV.

Some people prefer to talk about their HIV status in a more neutral environment, at a later date or wait until they have got to know the person better. Other people drop HIV into the conversation very early on, in a casual and matter-of-fact way, so that if the other person cannot accept it, no time is lost.

One benefit of telling sexual partners about your HIV status is that if they are exposed to HIV when you have sex (if a condom breaks, for example) they can take treatment that may prevent them becoming HIV positive. Known as Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP), it has to be started within 72 hours of the time the person is exposed to HIV and consists of them taking a very strong dose of anti-HIV medicine for a month. Follow the link below for full details.

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1 comments

When I was single, one reason I liked to disclose to casual sex partners was because being open made me feel more relaxed.

My technique was to usually wait until some kissing happened and then say: 'Hey, I can see where this is going but before we go any further, you need to know something so you can make a proper choice. You can respond any way you want; it's totally cool. I'm HIV+.'

Sometimes, I'd have to go over a few facts about safer sex. I almost never got a rejection. My disclosure was always welcomed, often followed by 'thanks for telling me, but it doesn't matter' and then a huge snog.

The last time I disclosed in this way, the other person said 'me too', we started seeing each other, he moved in after six months, and we've been together now for six years (civil partnership in 2009).

I know rejection can be very painful and fear of rejection quite overwhelming, but by disclosing often my experience has been that over time I developed a certain resilience and the whole process became easier and easier.
Posted 02:35 Fri 28 Jan 2011 by Marcel Wiel